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Humour?

JohnPosted on Posted in Uncategorized
  1. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!” Newton replies “You didn’t find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”
  2. A mathematician and an engineer decided they’d take part in an experiment. They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’t you see? You’ll never get close enough to actually reach her.” The engineer replied, “So? I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”
  3. A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.” The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. “Where’s my change?” the monk asks. The vendor replies, “change comes from within”.
  4. The Dalai Lama, on his first visit to NYC, stopping by a hot dog stand and saying “make me one with everything.” Because hot dog vendors on the street are the highest spiritual beings in the US, Nirvana was immediately achieved by all.
  5. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I would like a cup of coffee please. No cream.” the waitress replies, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
  6. An intellectual asks for coffee, black with no cream, the server returns with “coffee black, with no milk”, and the intellectual goes into a fit because he asked for no cream.
  7. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other and says “Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it’s funny?” Godel replies “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says “Of course it’s funny, you’re just telling it wrong.
  8. It’s hard to take kleptomaniacs and puns seriously. Why? They take things literally.
  9. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
  10. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says the same. The third says “Yes!”
  11. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”
  12. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “Five beers please!”
  13. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the dad. His wife asks if it’s a boy or girl. The logician replies “Yes.”
  14. Boy I tell ya, entropy ain’t what it used to be.
  15. How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
  16. Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
  17. Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts “Oh! I forgot to feed the dog.”
  18. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react.
  19. Shrodinger’s cat walks into the bar and doesn’t.
  20. A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson replied, “Well, without me, you can’t have mass.”
  21. A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.
  22. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though.
  23. Descartes is really craving a whisky so he walks into a bar and orders one. The bartender says: “We don’t sell hard alcohol here, so how about a beer?” Descartes exclaims: “I think not” and then vanishes.
  24. A Neutron walks into a bar and asks “how much for a beer?”, the bartender replies ” for you, no charge”
  25. An atom walks into a bar. The bartender says “you look a little down” The atom says “yeah, I lost an electron today” “Are you sure?” the bartender asks. The atom says “Yeah, I’m positive”…
  26. A photon checks onto a hotel. The bell boy asks, “Do you have any luggage?” “No thanks; I’m traveling light.
  27. Werner Heisenberg is pulled over to the side of the road, the officer asked ” Do you know how fast you were going”? Heisenberg replies “no but i know where i am”
  28. Along with Heisenberg, Schrodeinger and Ohm were in the car, too. After the cop tells Heisenberg he was going 75, Heisenberg says, “Now I’m lost.”
    The cop has them open the trunk, and tells them, “Do you know that you have a dead cat in here?” Schrodinger replies, “I do now!”
    Finally, the cop, disgusted, arrests them all. Ohm resists.
  29. Alternatively, the police officer says “do you know you were going ninty-three miles an hour?” and Heisenberg says “oh great, now I’m lost!”
  30. The Past the Present and the Future walked into a bar. It was tense
  31. A rabbi, a minister, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says “What is this, some kind of joke?”
  32. There are 10 kinds of people in the world… those who get binary, those who don’t, and those who realize that this joke is actually in ternary!